Frequently Asked Questions
Here are a selection of questions and answers:


Question 1:
Mother’s Day just passed, and my teenage stepdaughter did not acknowledge me in any way. She didn’t bother to send me a card or to even call me. I feel saddened that I have worked so hard to develop a good relationship with her, and that my efforts don’t matter. She doesn’t seem to care about me.

Answer:
We are so sorry your feelings have been hurt. Trying one’s best doesn’t always produce positive results. Your stepdaughter is old enough that she should be acknowledging you on your own without your husband’s intervention. Sending a card or calling you are small gestures, yet they probably symbolize something greater to your stepchild. Perhaps she resents having a stepmother and that overrides any appreciation for the love and care you show her. Equally possible, she may feel that if she acknowledges you, she is offending her mother. She may be unwilling to do anything that may be interpreted as disloyal to her mother. It is also possible that she is preoccupied with her own life, and not considerate of others, including her mother. Whatever her reason, we understand how hurt you are by her omission. Working on accepting the situation is probably your best course of action.

While we don’t feel there’s much you can do to rectify this situation with your stepdaughter, we don’t advocate that you suffer in silence. Tell your husband that you feel sad and upset. Many men want to fix a problem rather than to listen and acknowledge feelings so be sure to tell your husband that all you want him to do is to understand your feelings, you aren’t asking him to do anything about the problem. Communication with him is most important, and if he can understand your pain, it will help you to feel better. Knowing that someone you love “gets it” can be quite helpful.
Wedding Questions
 
Question 2: 
My finance has a 14-year-old daughter from his previous marriage.  She lives with her mother and has voiced several times that she is upset about our upcoming wedding. My 20-year-old daughter from my previous marriage is thrilled about the marriage, and has been participating in everything. My finance wants his daughter to be in the ceremony, and wants me to take her to buy a dress for the wedding. She doesn't cooperate with me, and I feel like I am being asked to do too much!
 
Answer: 
We can certainly understand that you feel as if you are being asked to do too much, especially with a future stepchild who is uncooperative and upset about your upcoming wedding. Being a 14-year-old is difficult for most teenagers even under the best of circumstances. We suggest you take the high road here, remembering that you are the adult. How about sitting down with your future stepdaughter, daughter and finance to discuss the wedding ceremony, in general, and dresses, in particular. If your daughter is going to be in the ceremony then maybe she and your future stepdaughter could come up with how they would like to participate (like walking down the aisle together or lighting a candle with you and your finance to symbolize the joining of the family). At this meeting, your finance could suggest, that he would like his daughter to go with you for a dress and that "x" amount of dollars will be spent. If she states that she doesn't want to go with you, then, he can take her for a dress. It would be helpful if he acknowledges that he understands that his marriage to you is difficult for her, but he loves you and he expects her to be respectful to you.
 
Question 3:
I am getting married this summer to a wonderful man who has an eight-year-old daughter. When she spends time with us, we get along great, and she tells us she is excited about the wedding. However, her mother has told my fiancé that is unhappy about our wedding and that “she would rather die than come to the wedding.” Do we give her the choice to attend our wedding? While I would like her to celebrate this happy occasion with us, I don’t want her to ruin the day by throwing a tantrum and being a pain in the neck.

Answer:
Don’t get involved in this drama. Let your fiancé deal with his daughter, and her feelings for your upcoming marriage. You deal with making sure your wedding is exactly the way you want it to be. Detach as much as possible from this. The more you keep out of this, the less bothered you will be and can concentrate on the good stuff.

8 year olds are children and should not be given the choice about attending family functions, they are told what to do by parents. Don’t give this child so much power. Let your fiancé tell her that he expects her at the wedding, and to participate in the way you and he decide. Enlist family members to supervise her during the wedding so she doesn’t act out in a way that spoils your day.
Ex-Wives
 
Question 4:
My husband and I have custody of his two sons, ages 5 and 9. They visit with their mother every other weekend. It is a tradition in our home to have a Sunday night dinner. The boys are NEVER hungry when they come from their mother's house. I thought that they were feeling sad about leaving their mother. HOWEVER, I found out that she feeds them dinner at 4:00 p.m. knowing full well that we eat Sunday dinner at 6:00 p.m. I am furious! I have asked my husband to talk to her and all he says is "I couldn't get her to do what I wanted her to do when we were married, what makes you think she'll listen now?” What can I do to get him to listen to me?
 
Answer: 
What a dilemma! We certainly understand how undermined and controlled you feel by his ex-wife. Here's a quickie solution that might help you. How about eating at 7:00 p.m. on Sunday nights rather than at 6:00 p.m. Maybe, the boys will be hungry by then. Or, you and your husband agree that every other weekend, Sunday night dinner will be for the two of you and the boys can join in for dessert to maintain the family ritual.
 
Pick your battles carefully. In this situation, let the ex-wife be difficult and controlling by feeding the boys at her home. If she wants to feed them, let her, it is less work for you to do on Sunday night. She can’t ruin the family ritual. Let the boys sit at the table with you while you and your husband eat dinner so you can all talk about the weekend. Offer them dessert. Don’t concentrate of what they eat, focus on good family conversation.

In regards to your husband, ask him what makes it difficult to have a conversation with his ex-wife. Try to put yourself in his shoes and understand what he is feeling. Then, explain to him that you feel controlled and powerless in this situation, and that his unwillingness to talk to her is adversely affecting you. It is also affecting your feelings for him. You don’t feel listened to. It is very important to have good communication with your husband. Your relationship with him is of primary importance.

More to come soon..